Rather, attachment is founded on the nonverbal emotional communication developed between caregiver and infant. If you didn’t find such a partner, go to couples therapy. Even if you feel like your relationship is going great, consider taking this step as a pre-emptive strike against trouble. Getting to know your attachment style based on a few key signs is the first step to developing a healthier love life and more fulfilling adult relationships. It can be really hard for those with a disorganized attachment style to express their feelings to others. And this is one of the biggest signs of disorganized attachment style in adults, because your desire for connection clashing with your fear of connection can cause you to act impulsively and destructively.
Identify Your Attachment Style
Like the bonds we form with primary caregivers during early childhood, the connections we form in romantic relationships are derived from patterns of attachment. Psychologists Cindy Hazan at Cornell University and Phillip Shaver at the University of California consider attachments formed in early childhood to greatly affect later romantic relationships. It may https://www.loveconnectionreviews.com/ take time, work, and a great deal of understanding from people in your life. But it’s possible for you to build intimate, secure relationships that fulfill you and help you feel safe. People with fearful avoidant attachment deeply desire intimacy. You can encourage them to talk about what they’re feeling or what fears they sense, but don’t be aggressive.
A person with this type of attachment will struggle between wanting to be loved and avoiding love in an effort to protect themselves. In their worry, they could become anxious, needy, manipulative, or dismissive towards their loved ones, which can lead to breakups that the person with this attachment style fears. Those with fearful styles may possess characteristics of both the dismissing and preoccupied styles. It should come as no surprise, then, that sexual experiences may evoke very strong and potentially negative emotional experiences. The tips above, like therapy, are great ways to help unpack some of these underlying issues and learn to practice secure attachment. To develop a secure relationship, she says both partners will need to trust each other and feel secure as independent individuals.
III. Aim to be patient and understanding
The avoidant attachment style involves forming insecure relationships out of a desire to remain independent. As discussed above, experiencing trauma as an infant or young child can interrupt the attachment and bonding process. Childhood trauma can result from anything that impacts your sense of safety, such as an unsafe or unstable home environment, separation from your primary caregiver, serious illness, neglect, or abuse.
Individuals with an insecure attachment style can develop characteristics that further define why they have such a hard time forming bonds with others. It’s wonderful to understand attachment, but it still must be acted out and “felt”. At it’s core, attachment has to do with our relationship with our emotions and how safe we feel in the world, and it argues that biologically, we need a safe other to TRULY feel safe. Much, if not all, of attachment is biology and physiology. So, basically, you can’t “practice” attachment on your own. Still, it’s as much about what you bring to the relationship, in terms of mindful, present, awareness, as your partner.
What’s more, this difficulty pinpointing emotions is exacerbated by stress or conflict – so an avoidant attacher may especially struggle to pick up on your feelings during or after an argument. Therefore, if you feel like your partner has difficulty interpreting what you say/how you act, they may have an avoidant attachment style. In an avoidant’s mind, feeling increasingly dependent on any one person opens them up for possible pain and rejection, and this can play out in a romantic relationship as mixed signals. If you feel that your partner’s emotions toward you are hot and cold, their attachment style might be the root cause of the confusion.
No one said it was unhealthy and no one said they’re not trying. Insecure attachment styles are very common, it doesn’t mean they’re bad people. Though most people develop their style from infancy, therapists and other mental health professionals can work with you to understand your style, why you react the way you do, and learn to adapt new techniques.
At worst, this lack of attachment can lead to severe relationship disturbances in adulthood, and many in this group could need professional help. Those with the anxious attachment often struggle with an uncertainty about their importance and value to others, which manifests itself in a strong need for confirmation. Just because your date hasn’t responded to your last text after an hour doesn’t mean they don’t like you or wants to continue dating you. “Caregivers are inconsistent and are often seen as sources of comfort and fear by their children, which leads to their disorganized behaviors,” explains Peoples. “Anxious-disorganized attachment is defined as having extremely inconsistent behavior and difficulty trusting others,” says Peoples. “We unconsciously expect our romantic partners to act as our parents did, and therefore, we act in certain ways due to these expectations,” says Jordan.
If an insecure attacher were truly working on it, you wouldn’t be able to tell so easily — it would probably be mostly their own private demons, so early on at least anyway. Their behaviour would not be so problematic as to prohibit you being able to form a healthy connection with them. Our guide on Attachment Styles and Breakups may be able to offer more insight into how attachment styles can affect how we process and move on from breakups. However, once someone with this attachment style starts to recognize their triggers and how they react to them, they can regulate their responses in more healthy ways.
Or perhaps you feel confident and totally trusting of your partner. Acknowledging your attachment style is essential to making change, should you wish to. Creating a sense of self-awareness on your attachment type will help you gain a clear starting point on your journey to a secure style. I don’t know if dating is even a healthy environment these days, so that may be the better place to start. I also think it’s unlikely that 100% of the people that do approach you are insecurely-attached.
Being in a relationship with another person who also has an insecure attachment style can make for a union that’s out of sync at best, rocky, confusing, or even painful at worst. If you don’t have access to appropriate therapy, there are still plenty of things you can do on your own to build a more secure attachment style. To start, learn all you can about your insecure attachment style. The more you understand, the better you’ll be able to recognize—and correct—the reflexive attitudes and behaviors of insecure attachment that may be contributing to your relationship problems.
The fear of being hurt doesn’t have to take over the longing of meeting someone. Heed these suggestions and you’ll be on your way to much better and fulfilling relationships. Once you accept yourself, it’s time to also show your true self. Worst of all, if you meet an avoidant, then you are allowing him to get his cake and eat it too.
Of course, this isn’t a long-term strategy – but it may help during times when your partner’s attachment traits are especially triggered. Perhaps they start to come up with flimsy excuses to cancel dates, and their texts are brief, detached responses. After what may have felt like a magnetic early connection, you now feel anxious, confused, and yearning for the other person’s attention. Emily Gaudette is a freelance writer and editor who has a literature and film studies degree from Bryn Mawr College.